


Maybe she could never return as she was, but that was fine.

by gamerkitty6274



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Depression, F/F, Grave visiting, Happy late birthday dia, Post-Depression, i guess, i love you dia i don't really want to kill you, i wrote this for my english exam, idk about the geography of uchiura ok, kanan is a sad soul, ruby the optimist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2018-11-14 11:16:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11206971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamerkitty6274/pseuds/gamerkitty6274
Summary: NOTE: NOW COMPLETED :DThe Kurosawa household was a beautiful place, Kanan thought.





	Maybe she could never return as she was, but that was fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this back when I was super big on KanaDia, instead of the diamari trash I am now

The Kurosawa household was a beautiful place, but seemingly devoid of any life. That life had been drained out a long time ago, Kanan thought. As they walked past, her grip on Mari's hand tightened even more and she let go, afraid she would break it by the time they reached their destination. 

It was different from what Kanan remembered, but she supposed it made sense. She had determinedly avoided coming here at all since it happened, rejecting request after request from Mari; instead locking herself in her room, the curtains drawn back and the lights out, alone in the silence. After the first day of crying her eyes out, she found that her tears had seemingly dried out overnight, leaving her to carry sorrow on her shoulders with no release (the pain came out of nowhere, racking her body with dry sobs for hours at a time, then leaving as suddenly as it had come). She knew it wasn't her dignity, for every shred of that had long since disappeared. 

They carried the flowers in their hands, always the same- red azaleas from mari, pink ones from Ruby, and carnations from her. Mari took note of the fact that they were red, but said nothing. This time, being just the two of them, it was a display of red alone. Staring at the ground, Kanan laid them on the soil before them, and Mari did the same.

The blonde spoke first. "Dia~!" She sqealed, in what sounded like a happy tone. "We've missed you so  _much_!"

"Yeah." Kanan's voice sounded strangely blurred (choked up, just like her thoughts, why couldn't she move on?), but she ignored it. "I won the diving competition like you said I would. It wasn't- wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Chika's coming to visit you tomorrow, she said she's bringing a whole bag of mikan this time. So is You and Riko." Why did she sound so strange today, so far away yet so quiet at the same time? She blinked furiously, the vibrant red slipping and fading, the world distorting around her. Mari cast a look at her, and she shook her head, motioning for her to carry on.

Kanan sat down on a patch of grass, only half-listening to what Mari was saying. Instead, she focused her attention on the carving of the angel a few feet away, its stone features still smiling, its arms stretched out with a dove perching on top, elegant as ever. Did Dia look like that, whereever she was? Was she still smiling, still singing, as beautiful as she was when she was beside them?

"...Ruby's been spending a lot of time with Maru-chan and Yoshiko-chan lately, she's alright, she's really happy..." At that, Mari's voice cracked, and they both fell silent, because the truth was Ruby  _wasn't_ happy, and nor were the rest of them. At that moment, Kanan felt like she should say something, anything- but she swallowed it down. Emotion ran through her like blades in her bloodstream; whatever sensation she felt now was beyond anything she knew. All of a sudden tears were streaming down her face, and her self control spun out of control. She threw herself into Mari's arms, crying into her hair, whispering Dia's name over and over until it turned into full-blown screams, and whatever words there were became unintelligible as she let herself go. Mari stood silent, crying without sound, and she held her without letting go.

"We miss you, Dia, we really do." Kanan forced out, wiping her eyes furiously. "Please come back." She added, despite the harsh truth that lay before and below her. Turning her back to leave, she screamed the words she never had the chance to say. But nobody heard her, because she said it inside her head.

***

The Kurosawa household was a beautiful place, but devoid of any life. Maybe it was because the flowers that had bloomed so cheerfully just a month ago had withered and fallen to the floor (When the wind blew it was a storm of colour, a beautiful storm, yet Kanan couldn't bring herself to appreciate it). As they walked past, her heartbeat quickened and she couldn't help but let go of You's hand as they neared the end of the road, afraid she would break it by the time they reached their destination.

It was much more beautiful than Kanan remembered. Near the statue, a small pool of water trickled from behind some rocks, and around them was a field of flowers. She could recognise some as snowdrops, Dia's birth flower. Amongst them lay the blooms that Aqours brought her almost every day, including her own red carnations and Chika's customay orange blossoms. It gave the place more colour, almost like a sign of life.

"Hey, Dia-san." Chika began in what she must've thought was a casual tone, but Kanan could hear her voice trembling. "I brought you some more mikan." She set them out near the foot of the statue, inside a ring of blossoms. 

"I joined the national team, Kanan helped me with it." You said quietly, casting a glance at Riko, who glanced helplessly back, not knowing what to say. 

"We're all fine." The redhead said, after a while. "We're all alright..." But she sounded as though she was trying to convince herself instead of telling Dia. Kanan hated the silence, and yet she couldn't bring herself to break it. She hated it, she hated how she felt this way even after four whole weeks, why couldn't she learn to cope?

Without a word, she turned and ran.

***

The Kurosawa household was a beautiful place. Beautiful, but devoid of any life. Perhaps it was from the emptiness, the fact that hardly anyone ever went inside, and those inside never went out? Or was it the fact that one room in the house always had its curtains drawn and the lights turned off? As they walked past, Kanan's footsteps quickened, and even though she barely had any strength left, she was sprinting by the time she reached their destination.

Together, they had chosen the place for her, that very spot by the shrine where Kanan liked to run round in the mornings. It was livlier than she remembered. Cats nestled themselves into nearby structures and birds sang atop. Snowdrops blossomed around the rock, where the words "Kurosawa Dia" had been carved. But for all the life there was, there was one life that could never come back.

"Hey, Dia." Kanan began, but she couldn't go on. Ruby caught up with her from behind, along with Yoshiko and Hanamaru, and they stood there, silent. Kanan quickly moved away, gesuring for them to go first. 

"We really miss you, sis." Ruby said finally. The younger Kurosawa seemed on the verge of tears, but she was calm, a small smile on her face. Her expression bothered Kanan, how she could seem so happy despite the fact that her sister was never going to see her smile again. And yet, as she watched, Ruby didn't just seem happy, she _was_ happy, in a way. Though it was clear Ruby missed her, there was an air of calm acceptance between the three of them that Kanan longed to have herself. 

And then, she realised, that the solution had been there all the time. To move on, to bring herself to keep going- she just needed to accept it, like Ruby had, like she and Mari struggled to. Maybe she would never get over it completely, but that would be fine,as long as she kept living her own life instead of one shadowed with sorrow. Maybe Kurosawa Dia would never come back as she was, but that was fine too.

All of a sudden, Kanan broke into a run, but she wasn't crying this time. She ignored the looks her friends gave her and kept going, a smile on her face, laughing (it's a beautiful sound). She ran all the way back to Dia's house and laughed some more, it felt so good, so natural, so _free_. As much as she missed Dia, she felt as though the sky was brightening before her eyes. Dia would've liked that, she thought. And as she walked back home, she began to notice it for the first time. 

The Kurosawa household was a beautiful place, and, slowly, the life was growing back again, bit by bit. 


End file.
